When talking to someone who is sick and in pain it’s only natural to want to comfort them and lighten their burden but sometimes it can be hard to know the best thing to say. Many of the things you would say to someone with a temporary illness or injury aren’t helpful to someone with a longer term illness or disability and it may even make them uncomfortable. As someone with many chronic illnesses who has dealt with chronic pain since a young age I regularly come across people who genuinely want to make me feel supported and cared for, but end up saying things that are unhelpful and even hurtful. With this in mind I want to share some of the things that are best avoided and where applicable suggest alternatives.
1 – “ Get well soon “
The reality of chronic illnesses is that they don’t go away, people with a chronic condition will have that condition for the remainder of their lives and will likely have some level of symptoms on a daily basis.
While well meaning, telling someone to get well soon when their illness is permanent can come across as though you don’t understand the nature of their condition or even as though you don’t believe that they are really that sick.
Where appropriate it may be better to say something like “I hope you get some respite from your symptoms” or “ is there anything I could do to help you cope with the symptoms “
2 “You don’t look sick”
Many chronic illnesses and disabilities are invisible, this means that it is difficult or even impossible to tell someone is sick or disabled just from looking at them. Although you might be hoping to boost their spirits, telling someone they don’t look sick may make them feel like you don’t believe them. Many disabled or chronically unwell people have experienced mistreatment such as being sworn at, denied access to an accessibility need or accused of lying all on the basis of how they look. If someone tells you they have a disability or illness or that they have an access need please don’t question them just because they look “ok”. If you want to give them a compliment it’s much better to make it unrelated to their illnesses such as “I like the way you’ve done your hair” etc.
3 “ You just need to….”
When someone is unwell and struggling its natural to want to fix it and make things easier for them. The problem with chronic illnesses is that very often there isn’t anything you can do. This doesn’t stop people from trying and most chronic illness sufferers have heard a never ending list of “ you just need to… “, this can include exercise, sleep, eating, drinking, medication etc.. while well meaning these things are unlikely to help and constantly needing to explain this is exhausting. Personally I would much rather have someone ask me if there’s anything they can do that would make my day easier such as feeding my animals for me or helping me dry my hair.
4 “ Someone I know has the same illness as you and they can work/walk/cope without meds /etc”
The symptoms and impacts of chronic illnesses can often be very different from one person to another. For example, one person with Crohn’s disease may be able to eat whatever they like, work a full time job and still have the energy to go out and have fun on the weekends. Another person with Crohns may be unable to eat and need to be tube fed or have a full liquid diet, or they may be unable to work due to the level of pain or sickness they experience and they may be too fatigued to perform basic tasks such as cooking a meal so going out for fun is out of the question. For this reason, comparisons are really unhelpful in chronic illnesses and may make someone feel judged or misunderstood,
5 “ Don’t eat that.. “ Or “ You should eat more”
Many chronic illnesses can cause issues with eating, the person may be experiencing symptoms that make eating difficult such as nausea and stomach pain, or they may have a hard time making healthy meals due to fatigue or joint pain, or they may be on a restrictive diet to help treat their illness. Growing up I was seriously underweight and constantly dealt with people telling me to eat more or judging the type of food I was eating. When I got diagnosed with coeliac disease and switched to a gluten free diet people would comment on how the food looked or smelled or tell me to eat a “little bit “ of something that contained gluten because they thought I was restricting too much. This advise was dangerous and made me feel judged and alone. Unless someone is eating something they’re allergic to, its better not to make comments about their diet as you may not know why they are eating a certain way. Instead, offer to cook for them and allow them to choose what they would like, if someone is too sick to cook they may appreciate a good meal from someone who can cook. Don’t pressure them though, sometimes the prospect of eating is just too painful.
6 “ Just be positive”
While a positive attitude and approach to life with chronic illnesses can help some people to cope with the difficulties of living with health issues, it is not possible or healthy for people to be positive all of the time. Living with illness or disability is complicated and often involves difficult decisions and long nights. It’s natural for anyone to have hard days or days where they just feel fed up and that’s even more true when going through hard times. If someone tells you they’re sick or having a bad day, its much better to listen to how they feel and try to validate their feelings by acknowledging the challenges they face.
7 “Stop being lazy”
Many people with chronic illnesses suffer with fatigue, this is extreme tiredness beyond normal levels and it can’t be fixed by a good nights sleep. Fatigue makes even simple tasks extremely difficult as it feels like you’re wading through water with every movement. Couple this with other common symptoms like nausea or pain and its easy to see how someone with chronic illnesses can find even the most basic chores can become impossible never mind holding down a job or keeping up with constant housework. If you see someone resting please don’t assume they’re being lazy, they may be fighting an internal battle that you just can’t imagine.
8 “ There’s no such thing as a permanent illness”
It might seem hard to believe but this is something I hear at least once a week. I understand it can be hard to accept that it’s possible to get sick one day and then never get better but unfortunately i happens all the time and often with very little warning. If someone tells you that their illness is permanent or that they wont get better, please treat them with kindness and acceptance. Many chronic illness fighters have to advocate for themselves every day when trying to get the correct treatments or getting their access needs met. The last thing they need is to feel like their family or friends don’t believe them.
9 “There are others worse off than you”
This is something I encounter all too often. While its good to be grateful for the good things in life and to acknowledge the blessings and privileges we enjoy, its also totally fine to be upset, mad, scared etc about the things that aren’t going well or the things we can no longer do. When someone is confiding in you about a difficult time in their lives or explaining how their illnesses or disabilities impact them, telling them “there are others worse off” can make them feel dismissed and as though they are being judged for how they feel. I always explain it like this – if you’re in A&E with a broken leg, and there is someone next to you with two broken legs, does that mean that your single broken leg doesn’t hurt? Pain is relative and it is unique to the person experiencing it. I am in constant excruciating pain, I have to inject myself with chemicals and it really hurts and a simple virus could end my life. All of that stuff is scary and difficult and it is both totally normal and completely valid for me to express that difficulty and having those feelings validated by the people who love me makes me feel much less alone.
10 Just stop thinking about it / Talking about it
Countless people have told me to stop thinking about my illness, going as far as telling me to pretend it doesn’t exist. While I understand that the concept of forgetting about your illnesses for a while may seem nice, its not always that easy. Many people with chronic illnesses have constant symptoms such as pain, nausea or fatigue which demand attention and it can be impossible to just ignore them. For others, ignoring their illnesses may actually be dangerous, they may have symptoms that need careful monitoring or they may need to be vigilant about what they eat and how it is prepared, or they may need to take regular treatments. Even if its not impossible or dangerous,telling someone to forget their illnesses or stop talking about their symptoms sends the message that you aren’t really there for them. It makes it clear that you aren’t interested in their difficulties and may not be supportive of their physical or emotional needs. Many people with chronic illnesses have experienced being shunned by society or accused of attention seeking, even of making things up. There are few places people with chronic illnesses can be truly open about their symptoms, so please don’t make them feel like they have to hide it when they’re with you.
11 Your spouse must be amazing to stay with you
It’s never ok to make assumptions about someone’s relationship no matter what the circumstances, some of us are blessed enough to have other halves who are kind, compassionate and treat us with love and respect, but that isn’t always the case. Many people with chronic illnesses have stressful relationships with their partners and even their wider family. It’s not uncommon for chronic illnesses to cause arguments within a relationship even when the people in it love each other dearly. Apart from that, disabled and chronically unwell people have just as much right to be loved as everyone else and we bring a lot to our relationships, relationships take hard work and dedication from both parties and cannot survive without give and take on both sides. I always say I’m blessed to have my fiance, he’s amazing, he’s kind, honest, respectful, compassionate, considerate and takes excellent care of me, but I know he feels just as blessed to have me, and that’s just how relationships should be.
Chronic musician 