Tag Archives: care giving

How to ask about someone’s chronic illnesses/disabilities

Humans are naturally curious beings so when we come across something we aren’t familiar with its only natural we want to ask questions and learn more. The problem however is that sometimes when dealing with sensitive topics questions can come across as nosey, insensitive or even down right rude.

As someone with a long history of chronic illness I have experienced many years of questions and curiosities. For the most part people mean no harm, but when you’re dealing with this on a regular basis it can become overwhelming. In this post I’m hoping to help navigate asking questions about chronic illnesses and disabilities and what not to ask. Pease remember I am speaking from my own personal experiences and preferences so always remember other people with chronic illnesses/disabilities may have different opinions.

* Always check its ok to ask about someone’s condition first.

I always prefer it when someone asks me if its ok for them to ask a question/questions before they begin asking. If someone just blurts out a question it can feel insensitive and puts me on the spot whereas if they ask permission first it gives me the option to say no, or to put boundaries in place for my own comfort.

* Ask the person if there are any subjects that are off limits

As we are all individuals, we will all have different levels of comfort when answering questions about our illnesses or disabilities. These comfort levels may even change day to day so it’s always really helpful if someone asks what my boundaries are and respects them.

* Don’t ask a question if you’re not prepared to deal with the answer.

I have lost count of the amount of times someone has asked me a question about my situation and then been totally unable to deal with the answer. This leaves me feeling misunderstood and alone. If you can’t deal with the worst case scenario answer then just keep the question to yourself.

* Don’t ask about prognosis without express permission.

Prognosis can be a really difficult topic. While its natural to want to know what someone’s future may look like, its a very difficult subject to talk about and there’s a chance the person doesn’t even have a full answer. If you absolutely must ask, always give a warning shot and wait for permission. Do not approach a stranger with this question.

* Don’t respond with unsolicited advice

Due to the fact I am so open about my conditions I often get people asking me more information about my illnesses including treatments and symptoms. The questions themselves don’t usually bother me, but people often can’t resist giving me unsolicited advice when I answer. This actually puts me off answering questions in the first place and can feel as though people think I’m not taking care of myself.

* Respect boundaries no matter when they are introduced

Boundaries are super important when dealing with sensitive topics. I often find that if I answer one question people think I will answer all questions even if they’re really personal or if its the middle of the night. People often get offended if I say no to answering more questions, especially if they have seen me talk about my illness on a social media profile. The person with the illness gets to decide how much they say, when they say it and who they say it to. It is entirely their right to change their mind about sharing, or to only want to share at certain times.

* Don’t make it about you

Although hearing about someone’s illnesses or situation can be difficult its important that you don’t make the situation about you by instantly talking about how it makes you feel or becoming excessively upset. If you have an established relationship with the person and/or its someone you are close to then it may be appropriate to talk about how the situation impacts you when the sufferer is ready to do that or once they have finished talking about their own feelings. If its someone you don’t know or you’re only having a one off conversation then its better to attempt to control your response and maybe talk about your feelings with someone else who isn’t impacted by the situation.

*Only offer help if you can follow through

It’s natural to want to help someone who is suffering, but sometimes we make offers and promises we can’t keep which can lead to tricky situations. If you’re going to offer help, please make sure it’s something that you can stick to. If you can’t offer practical help then a listening ear is often just as valuable. If you can give practical help, it’s usually best to ask the person for examples of the type of help they may need or want, rather than making assumptions or doing things without checking first.

*Don’t suddenly change the subject

If you have asked someone about their illnesses or someone is telling you about their situation, do not just suddenly change the subject. I have lost count of the amount of times someone has abruptly changed the subject when I am trying to open up to them. When someone is trying to talk about a hard situation it can make them feel extremely vulnerable and when they are cut off or the subject is changed mid conversation it can make them feel dismissed, unimportant and as though you just aren’t interested in what they have to say.

Gift ideas for chronic illness fighters

Gift giving can be tricky for anyone but when you’re buying for someone with a chronic illness it can be harder to know what they might find useful.

1 – Heat pads/ heated blanket

If the person you are buying for has any sort of pain linked to their condition or struggles with being cold, a heat pad or a heated blanket can be a really great way for them to ease some of the pain and protect themselves from the cold. Electric heat pads are even better because you don’t have to keep going to the microwave or boil the kettle to get heat, you just plug them in and off you go. Many of them have variable heat settings and safety cut offs to prevent over heating or burning.

2 – Comfy clothing

For many people with chronic illnesses, especially chronic pain or sensory issues, comfy clothing is such a blessing. This could be something small like some comfy/fluffy socks that don’t have cuffs or a cosy hoodie to wrap up warm with, anything that you’ve seen your loved one wearing that you could find a comfy version of. Clothing can actually be painful for some people with chronic illnesses and anything that makes it better is so appreciated, it’s also really comforting when you can just snuggle down in something comfortable and just relax.

3 – Fun mobility aids

If your loved one uses mobility aids then fun or luxury versions of those can be great gifts. I would always recommend asking before buying a mobility aid because preferences are so personal, but one way of doing it might be to take them shopping to get them a gift card for somewhere that sells mobility aids so they can choose what they think will work best for their needs.

4 – Skin care

Many chronic illnesses come hand in hand with chapped lips, itchy or irritated skin and dryness, once you have made sure your loved one doesn’t have any allergies, high quality and luxurious skin and lip care can be really nice as a gift. We get so busy taking care of our medical needs that we often forget to look after our other needs so getting something skin care related can encourage us to do other forms of self care and really look after ourselves.

5 – Cosy blankets

Similar to the comfy clothing, having a comfy blanket to snuggle up under when you’re feeling really unwell can be really comforting.

6 – Streaming service subscriptions/ gift cards

Being unwell a lot means lots of time in bed/on the couch with not very much to do. Having access to a good streaming service for movies/ tv shows can be really helpful. It helps to keep us occupied while promoting rest and relaxation. If your friend or loved one isn’t a bug movie lover then you could switch out a movie subscription for a music or audio book streaming service .

7 – Books

Another thing that comes with chronic illnesses is a lot of time waiting around in hospitals and doctors offices. If your friend or loved one is a book worm then a good book to dig into while they’re waiting around could be a great gift.

8 – Snacks

Easy to prepare and eat snacks that cater to any allergies your loved one may have are a great gift idea. One of the things I struggle with is having the energy to prepare food, usually by the time I have made my snack or meal, I don’t have any energy remaining to be able to actually enjoy eating. If I could have a never ending supply of easy to eat, low preparation snacks it would definitely encourage me to eat on those low motivation days.

9 – Fancy water cups/ bottles

Hydration is really important for everyone and many chronic illnesses actually make maintaining hydration more difficult. Many of us loose extra water due to symptoms such as vomiting or diarrhoea, or we deal with electrolyte imbalances due to the impact of our underlying conditions, so its really important we drink enough to keep us safe. Having an easy to grab and use water/drinks bottle to keep with us and keep topped up can really help with this, and who doesn’t love a swanky new drinks container?

10 – Chore coupons

For many with chronic illnesses basic chores become more difficult and sometimes even impossible. Chore coupons are a great way of offering help on the other persons terms, it allows them to choose the type of help they need on a particular day and they can ask for it in a non pressured way. It doesn’t have to be anything big, it could be something as simple as doing the dishes or walking the dog, or you could push the boat out and offer a deep clean if this is something you think they would both need and feel ok about. Our time is the most precious gift we can give someone and it will always be appreciated.