Tag Archives: crutches

Things I am grateful for

When dealing with the day to day grind of chronic illnesses and disability its easy to become lost in how hard things are and loose sight of the good things. To try and balance this I make a real effort to remind myself of the things that I am grateful for on a regular basis.

Now, I’m not saying these things totally erase the hurt caused by living with chronic illnesses and their are definitely days where its really hard to see the good in life, but when I am able to step back and remember the things that make life better it really does help.

A loving and caring fiancé who accepts me as I am

The Image shows Nicola and her fiancé sat close together and smiling. Nicola has long brown hair with a fringe covering her forehead. She has blue eyes and is wearing pale red lipstick. She has a black and grey checked shirt dress. Gareth has dark brown hair and blue eyes, he is wearing glasses with a black frame. He is wearing a blue, brown, orange and white checked shirt with dark blue jeans.
Me and My fiancé

Being in a relationship while dealing with chronic illnesses can bring many challenges, many relationships end prematurely because of the pressure of dealing with the constant health challenges. I myself have had bad relationships as a young woman where my then boyfriend was unable to deal with the realities of my needs, so I know how difficult it can be. My fiancé now is a really loving, caring and empathetic person who makes my life better in every way. We face the obstacles together and we have found many ways of making memories while trapped in a hospital bed or sitting up talking in the middle of the night. I know that its not easy for him to see me in pain and unwell but I know he loves me and is willing to take the bad with the good.

Parents who support me

I know that a lot of parents will stop supporting their children when they become adults and expect them to deal with their problems alone. I am very grateful to still live with my parents and have a safe, warm and comfortable place to live. They have made a lot of adjustments and changes to meet my ever changing needs despite the burden that it places on them. The support and love they have given me throughout my life has made me the independent and confident person that I am now and I will never stop being grateful for that.

The NHS

For those outside the UK who may not know the NHS is the UKs national health service, it is free at the point of use and it is available to everyone no matter their background, income, living situation or what condition they have. In wales we have the added bonus of free prescriptions, so any medication that is prescribed by a medical professional is provided free of charge. This is actually life saving for people like me, without free prescriptions I would genuinely struggle to afford my medication including my asthma inhalers and medication for my cluster headaches. Thanks to the NHS I can go to A&E whenever I feel the need to without worrying about any cost implications or concerns about affording care. If we didn’t have the NHS I would probably be bankrupt and unable to afford anything other than a couple of medicines each month and probably no access to doctors or hospitals due to my inability to work.

Access to good pain relief.

While I know that good pain relief should be a right and not a luxury I am acutely aware of how blessed I am to have access to good pain relief. While no amount of pain relief will eradicate the type of pain associated with chronic illnesses, decent pain control can allow a chronic illness fighter to achieve a reasonable quality of life by making pain more bearable. Because of my pain relief I can do some basic tasks for myself such as washing my hair, looking after my guinea pigs, cooking a basic meal and going to doctors appointments. There are still days where these things aren’t achievable, but without pain relief I wouldn’t be able to do any of it. Without pain relief I would definitely be housebound and likely bed bound much of the time. I will always be grateful for compassionate doctors who care about my quality of life enough to issue pain relief, and I will continue to advocate for all chronic illness patients to receive the same level of care.

My Flute

My flute has been an absolute joy these past two and a half weeks and its a really good distraction from the daily stresses of dealing with constant health admin and chronic pain. Music has given me a way to express feelings and emotions that have been hidden away for a really long time. When its just me and my flute the pain disappears for a while and my soul is set free. It gives me a focus and an outlet in a way nothing else really can.

My mobility aids

When I first started to have difficulty walking I was extremely reluctant to use any mobility aids or anything that would identify me as disabled. I wasn’t ashamed of my disabilities but I was worried that using an aid would identify me as vulnerable and make me a target for judgement or mistreatment. Eventually it got to the point where the pain was just too much and it was n longer safe to keep going without a walking aid. i started small with a folding walking stick that I could put in my bag and only use on the worst days, then i moved onto crutches and finally got a wheelchair when it was clear the pain was beyond control and I needed help to make the world accessible to me. Despite my initial reservations I am now proud to be seen with my mobility aids. I no longer worry about what other people think or if they think I’m faking. My crutches and my wheelchair are extensions of my legs. They allow me to go out into the world, they stop my home from being a prison and they make me feel safe. I know that if I’m in my wheelchair and I get a cluster headache its ok, I’m totally safe. I know that if I have my crutches I can walk a short distance safely without falling or damaging my hip even further.

My Faith

I don’t talk very much about my faith because its very personal to me and I never want anyone to feel like i am preaching at them or trying to convert them, and also because I know that a lot of what I believe doesn’t align with many who call themselves religious. Maintaining faith while dealing with chronic illnesses is challenging, I get told all the time that if I pray hard enough or I’m a good enough person then God will heal me. I get told that I just have to ‘want to be healed’. This is not what I believe. I believe that we are all valuable, that we are all special and important and that we are all perfect in Gods image and that this includes disabled and chronically unwell people. I believe that I am the way I am supposed to be. Having chronic illnesses is extremely difficult, but there are so many things in my life that I probably wouldn’t have if I never got sick. I may not have met my fiancé or talked to him the way I did, I may not have had time to rediscover my love for the flute and the joy that brings me and in all honesty I may not have such a strong faith. There are moments in my journey where I knew God was with me, where I knew miracles were happening, where I felt peace in the midst of chaos and I am so grateful for all of those. I believe God has the power to heal if chosen, but I also believe that I don’t need to be healed because I’m not broken.

My Life

There are so many more things I could list here but I over all I am just so grateful for my life. Life with chronic illnesses and constant pain is really difficult and there is no getting away from that, but the flip side is that you learn to see the joy in the tiniest moments. The cups of coffee first thing in the morning, walking down a street hand in hand, sitting on the beach eating chips or sitting on the sofa laughing at stupid TV shows. I know what it’s like to worry that life may be shorter than you imagined and that really makes me grateful for each day.

Coping with needing a mobility aid as a young woman

When I first started dealing with chronic illnesses, there were no outer signs of anything being different about me. Most of my pain was in my upper joints and abdomen and apart from the occasional wrist brace, there was no sign of the war happening under my skin.

As my illnesses started to progress and my mobility deteriorated I began finding it difficult performing day to day tasks without help. To start with, I used a folding walking stick which could be put away in a bag when I didn’t need it. Making the decision to use a walking stick was difficult. I was still in my 20s, and thought walking sticks were for older people. I left it until I physically couldn’t manage any more and then gave in and bought the nicest looking one I could. It was bright blue with silver stripes and for a while it actually helped. It made me feel more stable and despite the stares from strangers the colours made it feel more like a fun accessory. After a while it became evident that it wasn’t a practical choice though, the handle was far too hard and was causing me pain in my hands and wrists. I gave in and bought a more practical stick, a red one with a soft gel handle, but it was still foldable. The folding nature meant I could decide to “hide” the stick if I wanted to, I could put it away and pretend I didn’t need it while I was sat on the bus or in a cafe, I didn’t have to deal with the stares or the questions, I appeared to be like everyone else, and for a while I needed that.

For me, starting to use mobility aids made my disabilities feel more real. It felt like I was admitting I was broken, telling the world I needed help in a way I had never done before. Being able to choose when to show my sticks gave me the impression of control, and I clung to it.

It wasn’t long though before my mobility deteriorated further and it became clear that walking sticks were no longer enough. I needed something I could put my full weight through, something that would take the pressure off both legs. It was time for crutches. My first pair were standard NHS crutches, silver with hard handles. I told myself they were temporary and for a while I only had to use them intermittently. I actually found I didn’t mind the crutches as much, people just assumed I had an injury, they didn’t stare or point, and they didn’t make unkind comments. When my mobility continued to decline and my crutches became more of an every day need I invested in a pair of blue crutches with soft handles, making them much easier and more comfortable to use for long periods of time.

The one thing I found difficult with crutches was that I couldn’t hide them, I couldn’t just put them in my bag “in case I need them later”, I had to use them the entire time I was out and at times I felt like a fraud. Even though I was in constant pain, and even though I almost fell a few times because my leg couldn’t take my weight, I didn’t feel “disabled enough” to use walking aids full time. I felt like I was being weak or over exaggerating. The truth was I just hadn’t come to terms with my level of need yet, I was still stuck in the “its not that bad” phase. I’ve always expected too much of myself, I always expected myself to cope with the pain without help. I realise now that I was being unfair to myself and to my body and that I probably should have started using mobility aids much sooner. Once I got comfortable using them, my crutches opened the world up to me, I could walk further, keep mobile on high pain days, protect myself from falls and maintain my independence. When I first started using mobility aids, I worried that it would make me appear vulnerable and that would lead to people taking advantage, but instead making my disability visible meant that other people became more aware of my needs, people didn’t judge me for using the front seats on the bus, people gave up spaces for me in cafes and trains, people held doors open and helped with bags. I got to see the best side of humanity, and it made me feel hope for the world.


Eventually , about a year or two before the pandemic, I began using wheelchairs on longer days out or on bad days. I usually borrowed them from the customer service office where ever I was, but when the pandemic happened most places stopped offering this service. I realised how much I had been relying on this service and after a few months of internal debate, I finally took the leap and got my own wheelchair. It’s nothing fancy and I will probably need to upgrade to an electric one in the future, but its made the world accessible when I would otherwise be trapped inside. I mainly use it for days out as walking more than a short distance is painful even with crutches, but I have also used it for medical appointments on really bad days. Without the wheelchair I would have had to cancel those appointments as I physically wouldn’t of been able to walk. I have had amazing experiences with my family that were only possible because of the wheelchair. I was apprehensive about getting it, I didn’t know if I was disabled enough, I didn’t know if people would judge me, I didn’t know if it would even be used, but now I view it as freedom. I didn’t want to admit how badly I needed it, I didn’t want to admit how bad my health was getting, but it opens a whole world that would other wise be impossible to get to. It keeps me safe, it gives me peace of mind, and I am so grateful that I made that leap.